Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
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Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? ‘Cause your husband’s out here acting like you don’t exist.
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.
The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?
Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
This is true.
[I appear in 1985]
SCIENTIST: I have summoned you from the future with my time machine. What can you tell me of the years to come?
ME: Uh…hmm…uh…
SCIENTIST: You can’t think of anything?
ME: *snaps fingers, points at scientist* Nelly Furtado is like a bird
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
“Those aren’t the variants you’re looking for” –
Obicron Kenobi
Me at 17: I’ve had 7 beers, 11 shots, and 2 questionable mixed drinks and I’m just getting started! Can’t wait until I’m over 21 and can REALLY start partying!
Me at 23: Look I know it’s 7pm and I only just got here but I’ve already had an entire glass of wine and I need a nap.
wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?
me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
If I’m on a date and can’t think of anything to say I just make it look like I’m busy trying to figure out what a smell on my fingers is