Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
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Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Bless you
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
A friend had a new baby girl.
Her coworker asked: “What’s her name?”
My friend replied: “Melanie Noelle.”
Her coworker: “How do you spell it, then?”
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Whoa 😂
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
I wrote ‘I loathe ‘ and ac finished it with ‘people’. I’m gonna marry my phone.
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Aw cool firepit!
Me: Thanks! It’s for destroying evidence 🥰
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”