“Can I get you to-”
YES!
“Great! Here it-”
I’LL DO IT!
“Don’t you want to-”
MAKE THE CHECK OUT TO…– Adam Sandler being handed a script
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Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
CHINA: how can we fix our economic problems???
GERMANY: how do we reestablish our engineering reputation???
USA: OH MY GOD RAT WITH A PIZZA
You’ll be OK
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
When someone says “everything happens for a reason,” I stab them and laugh, just so they know I understand.
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
Bread, a tale of tears
I had a loaf in my grocery cart when something heavy fell on it. At home, as I am removing it from the car I closed the trunk on it. Once I got it out of the trunk it immediately broke through its bag and fell to the driveway.
Incredibly it tasted amazing
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
FYI fellas: if u wake up with some chick and u can’t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They’ll write her name on the cup for ya!
I’m so hungry I’d eat a vegan.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
How many priest do you have to fight to get to the pope
7: can we have an awake-over tonight?
me: an awake-over?
7: it’s like a sleepover but without the sleep
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Except for that guy in the park who thinks he’s Napoleon. He’s fighting the Battle of Trafalgar. But mostly you don’t know.
Maybe everyone can just pee outside from now on so I never have to clean the toilets again, kthanks.
Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
George Washington only said “I cannot tell a lie” because he never had to fill out a kid’s reading log.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
why would tinder want me to say this
Idiom update: “the pot calling the kettle black” is now “the guy from Aerosmith accusing a dude of looking like a lady”
Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
In my village the coming of age test is this: your mother abandons you in a grocery store. If you maintain your humanity and survive on groceries you will be a great leader. If you let yourself be raised as a grocery you will become the grocery shaman and do great grocery magic.