I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
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[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
men, we mow at sunrise.
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
@owenbroadcast Sometimes I’ll go to small towns and just stand there in a flannel shirt just in case I’m in a Hallmark movie
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Always getting threatened with “I’d do bad things to you”, never anything useful like, “I’d clean your kitchen” or “I’d do your laundry”
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
If your tweet gets stolen and posted on Facebook…
It’s your own fault for not making it offensive enough!
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
😂🤣😂🤣
Hungry? Have a snack
Tired? Have a snack
Cranky? Have a snack
Planning to take over the world? Have a snackSnacks are ALWAYS the answer
What did this chicken ever do to them?? 😂😂😂
My youngest child is choosing to drop out of homeschool and instead pursue her B.E.D.
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
You: Hold my beer.
Me: *drinks it because I’m not a table*
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married