Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
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Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
[looking at an old pic of me and my wife in college]
Me: Wow, you used to be hot
Wife: *death glare*
Me: …but not as hot as you are now
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
On a phone appointment with my doctor and may have answered the “Are you currently sexually active?” question with “I’M TRYING, OKAY?”
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Me: I want to be a part of the Avengers.
Nick Fury: What special powers do you have?
Me: *buys popcorn and doesn’t start eating them until the movie starts*
Nick Fury: Holy shit!
5yo: dad how many teeth do I have to lose to buy a tv?
Me: *doing zero math* uh like a thousand
5yo: do I have a thousand teeth?
Me: haha not quite
5yo: *just glares at his little brother*
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
Any question can be a rhetorical question if you walk away fast enough.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
I bought “extra whitening” toothpaste and now my teeth are spending a year in Korea teaching English
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
“How’s your day going?”
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed