I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
My love language is Latin. It’s dead.
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
If you schedule me for a conference call after hours…I’ll participate.
But I’m just going to sit on the phone and bark the whole time.
Imagine working hard to buy a home and then, out of nowhere, deciding to let a bunch of tiny idiots live with you rent free. Welcome to parenthood.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
The rain is pouring. So naturally it’s a good day to eat 6 donuts.
August 8
Doctor: Listen to your body more.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
A smile in Canada is called a smilometre.
It says “Keep away from children” on the bottle of my anxiety pills.
If I had taken that advice, I wouldn’t need the pills.
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
I’d go for a jog but it’s too [insert current weather].
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.