ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
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Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
exciting texts to get from your friends
• “can I tell you something petty”
• “you are not gonna believe who I just saw”
• “this is going to sound ridiculous but”
• “ok so”
• just your name in all caps and then the typing bubble up for a long time
If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.