[doctor hands wife urn]
Ma’am, I’m afraid your husband didn’t make it.
“Nooo!” she cries.
Oh, he’s fine. But he didn’t make this lovely urn.
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Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
You don’t need to wear clothes in public if you can run fast enough.
If you need a laugh.. 😅
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
December 26th is the sad day where I have to take the Christmas tree behind the garage and shoot it
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
time machine? you mean a clock?
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
you gotta be faster
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
*returning from an epic vacation of cool sightseeing, yummy foods, gorgeous hikes, stunning beaches, abundant wildlife, etc.*
Teacher: How was your vacation?
My son: A human pooped on the sidewalk.
Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
*runs away from Satan*
*runs towards cake*
I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.