*trying to awkwardly start a conversation with my barber* I ALSO like scissors.
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Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
Instead of cars having a warning light that reads “DOOR AJAR”, I think the warning light should say “DOOR’S OPEN, DUMMY.” Then if it’s not shut soon, “YOU’RE GONNA FALL OUT & GET RUN OVER, IDIOT.” Then after a little more time, “NEVER MIND. LEAVE IT OPEN. THIN THE HERD. MORON.”
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
Don’t drop the soap in prison because someone might steal your soap and then you will be “the dirty guy” and no one will have sex with you
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
Worst thing about having sex with a Canadian girl is having to sit through BOTH of our national anthems before we start.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
My 2yo was swinging a wooden spoon around and it hit me in the head so I told him “please be gentle with that.” He paused for a minute then started petting the spoon like it was a cat.
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
ME: we have a problem, karen invited us to a coldplay concert
HER: nice i love coldplay
ME: ok we have two problems
ADAM: oh look the McRib is back
EVE: stop calling me that
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron