Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
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My👏spacebar👏is👏broken👏so👏I’m👏using👏the👏clapping👏emoji👏instead👏I’m👏not👏trying👏to👏make👏a👏point
Cashier: “Look at all this candy! You’re going to have a lot of happy kids this Halloween”
Me: “It’s Halloween?”
Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
must be garbage day
* me scrolling the TL*
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
I hate when people say “next time you’re in my neck of the woods”
omg this isn’t the prairie Laura, you live across from a Starbucks
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!
“It’s impossible.” said pride. “It’s risky.” said experience. “It’s pointless.” said reason. “Ggrraadrttgrrtrr.” said Chewbacca.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
You want me to eat this Caesar salad with this fork and knife you provided? You know what they did to Caesar with a knife?
Me winding up as the last man on earth is an unlikely scenario, but an awful lot of women seem to have already thought it through.
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
*walks through door to find entire family standing on various pieces of furniture
Me: Floor Is Lava??
12: No, spider fell from ceiling and we lost it
Me: OH SHIT! *jumps on counter
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!