Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
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Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Yess ocifer b-b-but in dog beers I’ve only had two.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I have a new favorite conspiracy theory
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
Purgatory but it’s just my daughter trying to count to 10 but stopping at 7 and starting over
Sorry just got your text. Do you still need to go to the hospital?
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
ME: being single again is great
FRIEND: really? what did you have for dinner
ME: alfredo sauce
FRIEND: on?
ME: … a plate
I would travel a million miles to be with you for 30 minutes.
Unless I had to walk. Then it’s one block max.
I just yelled ‘Jayden’ at the mall and now I’m a mom to like 20 kids.
Did a Yoga for Beginners class this morning. What comes before the beginner class?
Was placed in charge of the group chat this week and I think I handled it pretty well
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.