11yo: Mom, can you look at the sky? It looks flat.
Me: That’s because it’s not real. You’re in the Matrix & they’ve got a second rate programmer on tonight.
11: Never mind.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
HOT SINGLE GRANNIES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOU TO LOOK AT HOW TALL YOU’VE GOTTEN
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
I love writing because it combines my two favorite hobbies: sitting and self-doubt.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I’m jealous of people who have more than one ab.
If I don’t see someone on social media for a while I automatically assume the worst… that they’re happy.
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
William: where have you all been
Kate: omg William there’s a winter forest in the coat closet
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
[My 5 year old has a little crush on a nearby neighbor girl, and the girl stopped by]
Her: Hi!
Him, making a weird face: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …
Her: …
Him: Hi.
Her: Hi.
Him: …THERE ARE BEES OUT IN MY YARD *runs away*
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
*plays imperial death march on the kazoo*
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.
You’d think with food shortages around the world someone would have come up with a way to grow pepperoni pizza trees or something.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
I remember when the History Channel actually played MUSIC!
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”