Easy there, Jedi. Convincing me to add wings to my pizza order isn’t a mind trick.
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me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Buying a bag of spinach is ignoring it for four days and then having to put 2 fistfuls into everything to use it before it goes bad
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
Me, on phone with mom, “I’m drinking a glass of rose’ paired with a warm, toasted strawberry crumble.”
Husband, “You’re drinking wine from a box and eating a pop tart.”
Me, finger to my mouth, “Shhhh….”
Me, when the vintage convertible nice Mr Megatron at the dealership sold me turns out to be two dead autobots welded together: “I can’t believe this deception! What a con!
… WAAAIT A MINUTE!”
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
My wife and I are having a fitness competition. She is out running, and I am wondering if the dog will drink Red Bull and wear my tracker.
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
*finds another dead plant on patio*
[shaking fist to sky] I can’t be the only one watering things around here!
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.