22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
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mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
What’s a Messi?
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
My boyfriend has the body of a god!
Or the body of God.
Okay, he’s like the body of Christ.
What I mean is, he’s a round white cracker.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.