My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
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Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Popular misconception: women brag about designer clothing. Most women I know whisper “This was $7 at TJ Maxx” or “I grabbed the wrong bag at LAX and two hitmen are chasing me, but look, free romper.”
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
I had two naps today but every time I wake up I’m still at work.
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
My husband asked how he could make me happy and I said “hold on, I have a list” and he laughed, but it wasn’t funny because I did have a list.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
You: Say something good about 2020
Me: Haven’t been invited to a single wedding this year.
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
A winged baby shooting people with a bow and arrows. Yeah, what wouldn’t turn me on about that?
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
To catch a grandpa, you must THINK like a grandpa *eats butterscotch candy, clicks on obvious spam email*
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare