Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
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Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
What REALLY happens when you build Ikea furniture…
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
My son is at that age where he’s curious about the human body.
I’ll have to hide it somewhere else now.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Grandma, please pass the updog.
Sister: *Pinches bridge of her nose*
Grandma: What’s updog?
Me: Not much, how about you?
😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I dropped a telephone book on my foot, and when I called 911, they just sent a police car to arrest me for having a phone book in my house
Normalize asking jobs for references right back. Like I’m gonna need to talk to three current employees, please.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
During the bank robbery, I was the one who heroically soiled himself & cried in order to incapacitate the robbers with laughter
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
If they cancel the Simpsons we will no longer be able to see into the future
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
favorite tropes as memes
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty