Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
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That awkward moment when a person says they need their beauty sleep when what they really need is plastic surgery.
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
me: if ur soulmate dies before u meet them do u get like a backup soulmate
professor: i meant questions about the midterm
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!
WIFE: I never loved you
ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
hypnotist: next time you smoke, youll taste something disgusting
me: disgusting as in gross or as in morally wrong
hypnotist: idk whatever
[later]
me: *spitting out cigarette* insulin costs HOW much
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
i was skeptical about people paying money for my tweets but i just did the math and i could quite possibly make $5.98 a month.
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”