2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
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English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I just shaved my legs and man, the next 7 minutes and 34 seconds before it starts growing back is gonna feel amazing.
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
“My safe word was Worcestershire.”
— A ghost
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I bought a middle-aged Barbie. She was supposed to come with glasses, but she set them down somewhere and hasn’t seen them since.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
FBI AGENT: [lifting crime scene tape and walking in] dale howard, fbi
ME: [following him] bob vulfov, looking for a bathroom
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.