“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
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After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
If your husband didn’t just take down an old shower curtain, wear it as a cape, then run around yelling “I am Captain Mildew!” then you are not me.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Oh honey, that’s not “causing a scene”.
Here, check this out…
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
Alien Archeologist: this human was buried covered in chicken bones, we theorize he believed in a poultry afterlife.
Me: (25,000 years earlier, climbing into a KFC dumpster in the dead of night)
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
I discovered my knee feels better if I take stairs at an angle. But now every time I walk down I have to sing Puttin’ on the Ritz.
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
me as a parent
(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I never thought I’d fight with my wife over who gets to run basic errands alone but then we had two kids.
Why did Norway put barcodes on their military boats?
So they could…..Scan da Navy in!
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what