I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
You Might Also Like
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
I still don’t unmute myself often on group calls at work, but my comically overt nodding game has never been stronger.
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
If Oprah took over Favstar, everyone would get a trophy.
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
Sometimes I just sit and admire the gray in my husband’s beard, how distinguished it’s becoming, and think “I DID THAT”
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
him, leaving for work: we still need to talk about your soap opera addiction
me: *walks away and stares out the window as the rain starts to fall* just go
Dogs will go through amazing effort to get a better view of your plate
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?
I just wish my ex-wife could look down from Heaven and see me
now.But no, she’s still alive.
Don’t mess with me man, I will put glitter on everything you love.