I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
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hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
Kids these days know “I Want It That Way” by Backstreet Boys from a Febreze commercial and I’ve never felt older…until I started this tweet with “Kids these days”.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
I think my abs look pretty good for a mother of 2 kids.
I don’t have kids.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
Let’s begin by pushing a Nickleback album onto every ISIS phone.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
DATE: I’ve always wanted a woman with brown eyes
ME: Do they have to be mine?
DATE: what
ME: what
Rating all the Nancy Drew books I’ve read on Goodreads so it looks like I’m smart or something.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
You deserve someone who’ll chase you with a chainsaw.
me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time
my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read
me: absolutely not
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.