Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
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My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
Woman: What are you taking out of your pocket?
Man: A knife. I’m a serial killer.
Woman: Oh thank God, I thought it was an engagement ring.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
“It all started when my mom met my dad…”
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
My boss want to sign us up for a 401k. No way I’m running that far.
What do you want to be when you grow up?
other kids: firefighter, doctor, scientist…
my 9yo: I’m gonna sell my Pokémon cards on the streets of New York.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Legend 🤣🤣
Me: *gets comfortable*
Life: Just one more thing …
everyone’s a critic
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and I only spent $9,000.00
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.