Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
You Might Also Like
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
colonel mustard’s first name is dijonathan
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
DOG 911: what’s your emer-
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID “WALK” WHILE TALKING
DOG 911: so?
DOG: WE NEVER WENT FOR A WALK
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Nine: There’s safety in numbers
Seven: *ties napkin around his neck*
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I’m already scared
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
courtroom exchange of the day
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Bad Cop: The proof is in the pudding.
Good Cop: Stop putting all our evidence in pudding. Why do you keep putting our evidence in pudding?
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
My kids spent two hours “cleaning” and accomplished literally nothing.
Then I told them they had ten minutes to pick up everything or they were grounded.
Then they finished in eight.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?