me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
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Funeral Request:
Spread my ashes on a windy day so I get in everybody’s eyes and mouth lol I don’t even like you guys
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
My boss is going to fire the employee with the worst posture.
I have a hunch,
it might be me.
Anakin: How do we get in?
Obi-Wan: We’ll be stealthy.
*turns on huge, glowing laser sword*
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
[after a date getting dropped off at my gingerbread house]
me: I’d invite you upstairs but I recently ate my furniture
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
me: a man once told me these woods are haunted by a demonic entity
him: how
me: with his mouth
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Went to an Air & Space museum today, nothing was in there. I asked “So what’s the exhibit?” & the guy was like “You’re breathing it, man.”
I never needed anything more in my life
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.