Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
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I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin
What idiot called him Frosty the Snowman and not Bill Brrrr?
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
Me: Ok, just need a shovel and some toilet paper.
Them: Going camping?
Me: Nope
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
Elmo: Oscar, why are you a grouch?
Oscar: Growing up, my parents were-
*stabs Elmo with broken beer bottle*
CUZ I LIVE IN A TRASHCAN.
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
Dogs should be allowed to drive.
“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
The liquor store clerk just wished me Merry Christmas like he’s not going to see me 8 more times before then.
If you’re not writing, that’s fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.