Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
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I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.
“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
I bet Eve bit that apple because she knew she was going to get a bunch of clothes out of it.
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
All I’m saying is any office that buys thin toilet paper is not really saving money. All savings are lost when the hand soap runs out faster…
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.