Date: I like old fashioned guys
Me: I have polio
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i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
[robbing a bank]
I would like to withdraw everything (narrows eyes) illegally
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
jesus christ confetti not now
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
Me: *rubbing bread on a dog*
Friend: When I said pet with the grain
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
dividing 75 by 2 to get 37.5……. awful experience. wouldn’t wish it on anyone
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
[home]
FRIEND: How’d family dinner go?
ME: Huge mess to clean.
F: It’s spotless!
M: *sprays luminol* You’d never know they were even here.
I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it