*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
You Might Also Like
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Does anyone know how to save your game on twitter I’ve been playing for 2 years straight my mom is pissed
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
Mother: A carrot is just a vegan hotdog.
*son looks at carrot*
Mother: [desperate] Bugs Bunny eats them!
Son: This is updoc.
Mother: What’s-
🛁
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.
My charm is that I break people down over time; like waterboarding or marriage.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
The chicken coup is unlocked!
“Don’t you mean the chicken coop?”
*Watches chickens carrying machine guns overthrow the farm*
No, Snowball