A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
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Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Always leave the shower curtains open.
*things I learned from horrors
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I cut my finger making dinner last night, so I told my family I won’t be cooking ever again. They took the news surprisingly well.
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
Instagram’s down? What am I supposed to do with my cat? Stroke it?
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
What does it mean when your doctor slaps the beer from your hand?
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.