My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
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[Mad scientist lamenting]
“All that work, trying to create
a perfect palindrome ..wasted!DAMMIT I’M MAD !”
(Pauses)
“Hey…wait
sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
so funny that we all have skeletons. underneath it all we’re just a bunch of spooky little bald guys
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
We now return to ‘CANADIAN SNIPER’
*canadian sniper shoots an enemy*
*canadian sniper yells ‘sorry’ from far away*
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
Me: You ever have conversations in your head?
Me: No.
Me: Me neither
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Fights fire with marshmallows
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
Employees must applaud the planets.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler