Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
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The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Shattner didn’t go to Nimoy’s funeral, and Obama’s been on the phone all weekend with the Vulcan ambassador, trying to smooth things over.
At Starbucks:
It’s Bryan with a “y”
(3 minutes later)
“Venti Iced Vanilla Latte for Briany!”
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
i think my razor is having a panic attack
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
Nephew: Hey, Uncle Jesus, can you buy me and my friends some beer?
Jesus: No, but I can get you wine. Let’s go over to the water cooler, shall we.
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*
[At Restaurant]
Server: Hope you are hungry.
Me: I am
Server: Is this your first time?
Me: No, I’ve been hungry before.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
Hate when the grammar police single me out like some kind of which hunt
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Ant: I found this book of what humans call us. I’m an ant
Dung Beetle: What am I called?
Ant: *checks, shuts book* Let’s not focus on labels
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
I have a devil tattooed on each shoulder cause I hate arguments.
The racist dove
Married a racist hen
And together they started
A coo clucks clan
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.