I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
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One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
I predict that the Institute for the Future won’t exist in five years time.
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Scott Baio: i’m Scott Baio and i endorse Donald Trump
Trump: who the hell is Scott Baio
Scott Baio: you know, Chachi
Trump: say Chachi then
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”