supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
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all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
due to unforeseen circumstances i just quit my job as a psychic
Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
Spice girls: tell me what you want, what you really, really want
Me: I want all conditioner bottles to say NOT SHAMPOO in big red letters
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
“I’m great in bed” ~ breakfast
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
when your friend and their shitty ex get back together and you’re just waiting for things to go bad…
You collect clowns AND porcelain dolls??
Are you sure you don’t want some help filling out your dating profile sir?
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
— Dogs
[first date]
ME: so where are you from?
HER: I’m Finnish
ME: oh ok then [pulls her dinner plate over & starts eating her meal]
HER: wtf?
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
I love my bodyguard. I would take a bullet for him
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Assistant: Uh sir? Your personalized jean jacket is very cool but it looks like the store screwed up. It says STAN on the back.
Satan: WHAT