Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
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ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
i’ve been laughing at this for 5 mins
Men and women can be ‘just friends’ if one of them is a ghost.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
[Smoke billows from a pizza Oven at Papa Johns HQ]
Me: I see a new Papa has been chosen.
In the midst of getting dressed, I got a notification that my painted lady caterpillars were delivered four minutes ago, so I happily ran down the stairs to go get them and realized right before I got to the front door that I HAVE NO TOP ON.
Can you at least smile if you’re gonna be in the background of my selfie, Doc?
(takes off rubber glove)
“You can pull up your pants now.”
my son and I accidentally ended up on different teams in laser tag and every time I shot him he said “wow” in a dramatic disappointed voice
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
If you watch “Jaws” backwards it’s a heartwarming tale of a zombie shark who fixes boats & reunites families by vomiting up their missing friends and family.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
[Bedroom at midnight]
*scary noises*
Husband: is… is someone in here?
*demonic sounds from the closet*
Husband: honey, are you trying on those jeans again? I told you they don’t fit anymore
*sad demonic noises*
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.