Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
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The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
I only sleep with my laptop so that if I ever get a boyfriend I’ll be used to sharing the bed
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
when my parents were divorced they had a ski race to see who kept custody of us. things worked different in the 80s
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
[commercial for babies]
*camera pans to a couple sleeping peacefully*
Narrator: don’t you hate this?
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
FOR SALE: baby shoes, made out of 100% baby
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
My FedEx guy knocks on the door like his son is dying and I’m the town doctor.
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
[jumps in Uber]
ME: HURRY I’M LATE
UBER: [starts driving]
ME: PULL OVER HERE
[jumps out, pets dog]
ME: [jumps back in] GO GO GO
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*