Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
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“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?
Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN
😂😂😂
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
Damn boy! What’s your zodiac sign? Bc I think we should make that Sagittariuu into SagittariUS
Oh you’re a Leo? Le OH ..where are you going?
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
Once again not all heroes wear capes
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
It’s perfectly normal to shave your legs just from the top of your boots to the hem of your dress, right?
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I’m in pretty good shape for a grown man who believes the multivitamin I take every morning cancels out all the gas station food I eat.
My cousin is pregnant. The baby will be my first cousin, once removed.
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
“I just got engaged!”
— Starship Enterprise
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.