It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
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UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
[broken down submarine]
captain: we only have two hours of oxygen left
me: [holding 43 balloon animals] one hour
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I put the h in mysterious.
Me: Wanna go out on a date sometime?
Her: Sure, I’d love to
Me: Wtf is wrong with you
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
How’s homeschooling going?
I just failed grade 5 math.
Again.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
me: you died in poverty
clone of nikola tesla: damn
me: but now the world recognizes your genius
tesla: ha I guess so, look at this car with my name on it
me: ok so remember when I called this a “good news sandwich”?
Scream sneezers need love too.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Is he dead?
Is he dead?
Is she dead?
Is HE dead?
What about him?
Is SHE dead?
-My kids watching 80s music videos.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.