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Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Him: My stomach is aching, I knew I shouldn’t have swallowed that rope.
Me: Are you serious?
Him: I shit you knot.
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
May you have the confidence and independence of my 5yo, who sneezes and says, “Bless you, me!”
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
I get it cicadas I’m ready to scream for six weeks too
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Contemplating the merits of the Oxford comma as I head down to Florida to see my parents, Donald Trump and Marco Rubio
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)
Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.
That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
What is wrong with Riverdale that ARCHIE was the best option?
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
Husband: What’s with all the barrels of oil in the garage?
Me: THEY WERE ON CLEARANCE, OKAY.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now