me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
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If you are having anxiety over something you’ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
things a whale might end an email with:
-i hope this email finds you whale
-best fishes
-may your days be full of peace and krillthings a whale probably wouldn’t end an email with:
-f*** y**
-you’re d*****t
-i am going to find and kill you
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Guy In France: yes may I please have an order of Here Fries
Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he’s still telling me about himself.
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Get married and have kids so you can spend your Saturday going apple picking instead of doing LITERALLY ANYTHING ELSE.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Always…
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
interviewer: how well do you perform under pressure?
me: I’m better at bohemian rhapsody to be honest