7: Where are you and Mom going tonight?
Me: To meet with your teacher.
7: Oh, you don’t need to. I already saw her today.
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of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
I was dressed and ready to go for a run an hour and a bag of Doritos ago.
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
I’ve never got out of a straight jacket but I did once get out of my sleeping bag whilst drunk and I’ve got to assume it’s roughly the same skill set
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
*Paul Walker shouts down from the gates of heaven*
“YO DID I GET A MILLION LIKES ON FACEBOOK? THEY WON’T LET ME IN WITHOUT A MILLION LIKES”
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
Pretty rude of this cop to pull me over while I’m trying to change my pinned tweet
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class