[||||||||]=.=====.=[||||||||]
{__/} /
( • – •) /
(__)
/Expectation:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🥕 for energyReality:
{__/}
( • o•)
/ >🍕 for energy[30 mins later]
{__/}
(´・ω・)
/ ⌒ヽ
(人__つ_つ
You Might Also Like
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
By age 30 you should have:
$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
[Family BBQ]
Ken: Doing this in Australia was a good idea!
Barbie: Please stop throwing shrimp at me.
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Dear Tech Support,
I twied to puth my tongue in tha USthB port again. Canth you helpf?
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Falling in love makes you do stupid things. Once I even got married.
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
This is the best one I’ve seen