“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
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Sorry, ma’am. I’m a solid 4 1/2. You’re an 8. You’re out of my league.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
if speaking russian makes my b’s into v’s then soviet
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
Sorry kids, if Santa were real he’d have a podcast by now
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
Education is vital
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche