I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
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“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
My phone only recognizes my fingerprint if it has cheese on it
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
“I think that kid’s a robot”
What?
“Look at his mouth”
Relax they’re just braces
*backs away slowly*
“That’s exactly what a robot would say”
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Some guys look classy carrying a flask. I look like a degenerate alcoholic, I dunno, maybe it’s my trackpants. Who’s house is this?
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
The 70s had it right.
Back then, ugly people were allowed to make music.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
follow request on instagram. a tan and in shape man on a pool float. blocked.
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.