At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.
I think I managed to cover my tracks.
#HatDadJoke
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
me: why do i feel terrible
brain: coffee is not a food group
brain: eat a vegetable
brain: sleep
me: guess we’ll never know
brain: oh my god
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
Jared Leto’s primary preparation for his role as the Joker was changing his middle name to Stil
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Accepting water from a salesperson is a sign of weakness. *faints from dehydration*
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
New shoes. I feel like I should go outside and step directly in dog crap and get it over with.
I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
When I travel I just throw my clothes in a suitcase because I know as an Arab they will search me at the airport and fold my clothes neatly.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.