[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
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The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
I have an oven with a ‘stop time’ button. It’s probably meant to be ‘stop timer’ but I don’t touch it, just in case.
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Urgent care waiting room is an oxymoron
[texting]
Her: We need to talk. (9:00 am)
Him: About? (9:01 am)
Him: What? (9:02 am)
Him: WHAT??? (9:03 am)
Her: Dinner tonight. (4:42 pm)
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
Nothing good ever comes after: “I’m not trying to be creepy, but…”
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
Are you ok, human???
Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids
Witch 2: oh no, why?
Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are