They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
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I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Ever need something at the grocery store but someone is standing right in front of it? So instead of rushing them you just pretend that you’re looking at what’s right next to you and be all like “wow these are some nice bacon bits”
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
Couples that stay fit together don’t trust each other enough to go to the gym alone
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty