Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
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The first sign of a serial killer is when a kid draws a Sun but it’s not wearing sunglasses
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
Mr. Webb, what is the greatest threat to national security?
“The dinosaurs in Jurassic World, they always seem to get out”
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
“It’s too late. You can’t stop it now.”
– Every villain in every single movie moments before the hero stops them now
7: I’m not sure I want to be a parent
Me: Why not?
7: Because it seems tiring
Me: Why?
7: Because I don’t want to waste my money on kidsKids are such fast learners these days
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, it was meant to be…or Stockholm Syndrome. Most likely Stockholm Syndrome.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
A female contestant is on Wheel of Fortune. “Give me a D” she says. “She wants the D” Pat Sajak says & then high fives the camera man.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
I do not want to cook the books
I do not like the charge you took
Reverse it now, end the scam
Before we hear from Uncle SamDr Seuss’s CPA
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.