gentlemen, hear me out
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to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
ME: Hi I’d like to apply for a job as a contortionist
“When can you come in for an interview?”
ME: I’m flexible
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
What level of petty is it when your father won’t let you watch Wheel of Fortune with him because you solve the puzzles before he does?
Attention Walmart Shoppers –
There is someone dressed
Appropriately in
Aisle 12
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
The Struggle
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
No, YOUR illiterate.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
fiance: “just pretend to be religious for 10 minutes and he’ll agree to marry us”
me: “okay”
[at church]
priest: “it’s nice to meet you both”
me: [seeing crucifixion statue on wall] “jesus what happened to this guy?”
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
HEY OFFICER, STOP SCREAMING AT ME TO PULL OVER, I’M DRUNK NOT DEAF
Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
*Microsoft Teams when you don’t move your mouse for 12 seconds* THIS GUY’S AWAY EVERYONE. EVERYONE, THIS GUY’S AWAY. WHAT’S HE UP TO? ITS NOT LUNCHTIME SO WHY’S HE AWAY? SOMETHING IMPORTANT? NOT FOR ME TO SPECULATE. JUST FLAGGING.
It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments