[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
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Nothing prepares you for the metamorphosis of when you open your mouth and your mother comes out.
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
“I love it when we finish each other.”
“You mean: other’s sentences?”
“No.”
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
“sup shorty” – a giraffe, probably
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it