Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
You Might Also Like
The best part about sex is the roundhouse kicks.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
*pushes cart from 20 feet away into cart corral perfectly*
“did you see th-*wife is already calling parents to take the kids for the night*
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.